The weekly sports page of record · Price: one waiver claim
You Don’t Know Ball
Gameweek 6Tuesday, 13 October 2026IYSSYS 6.0 · No. 6
This edition was corrected on October 13 at 3:27 AM ET: 6 figures were wrong as first printed. The corrections are listed at the foot of the page.
CHAMPION BROUGHT DOWN
SLIMEY ENDS THE PERFECT RECORD
Slimey FC beat 7-1 FC for the first time, handing the reigning champion a first defeat of the season.
By Oswald Thoroughgood
Madueke contributed 14 points as Slimey FC handed 7-1 FC its first defeat.The Guardian
Slimey FC overturned long odds and beat 7-1 FC 89.5–71.75. Before kickoff, 7-1 FC had won all four previous meetings between the clubs and entered at 5–0; neither condition survived the afternoon.
Donnarumma supplied 24 points in goal, Mbeumo added 18.5 and Madueke scored 14. That was enough to overcome a zero from Sarr and a negative return from Truffert, giving Slimey FC its second win and the reigning champion its first loss.
The decisive contrast came in deployment. Slimey FC kept only 3.75 points in reserve. 7-1 FC left 37.5 there, including 18 from Ndoye and 15.5 from Solanke, while its starting forwards combined for 6.5. The bench did not technically lose the matchup by itself, but it submitted a persuasive supporting statement.
7-1 FC remains 5–1 and comfortably leads the league with 749.75 points scored. Slimey FC is only 2–4, yet now owns the result every other challenger wanted. Four meetings without a win became irrelevant in one gameweek, as history occasionally does when Donnarumma scores 24.
The Market
▲ Stock Up
Slimey FC. Beat 7-1 FC 89.5–71.75 after losing the first four meetings between the clubs. Donnarumma’s 24 points made the upset possible.
Dewsbury-Hall. Scored 28.5, the leading contribution in Hound Boys FC 🐶’s 116.25-point performance.
The Lion King’s Ajer claim. Ajer entered the starting lineup after being claimed and returned 12.5 points in a 17-point win.
▼ Stock Down
Declan Rice FC’s bench. The reserves scored 46.5, including 19 from McGinn and 14.5 from Wharton. The active lineup scored 71.
Snake. Four consecutive losses have followed the 2–0 start, despite 600.25 total points scored.
WhiteCastle United’s forwards. The starting forwards combined for seven points in a 12.75-point defeat. Strand Larsen’s 11 remained in reserve.
The Transaction Wire
O'Shea · CLAIM · Crème Internazionale C.F. — Crème Internazionale C.F. claimed O’Shea after 𝐖i𝐫t𝐳C𝐨l𝐚 released him, then started his 17-point return. Immediate and unusually legible value.
Ajer · CLAIM · The Lion King — The Lion King claimed Ajer and received 12.5 starting points in a 97.5–80.5 win. That is the preferred waiver timetable.
Martinez · CLAIM · Crème Internazionale C.F. — Martinez supplied 11 points in goal for Crème Internazionale C.F. after being claimed. A useful move amid considerably louder roster traffic.
Anthony · CLAIM · Crème Internazionale C.F. — Anthony scored 12.5 as a starter after joining Crème Internazionale C.F., helping turn a busy transaction week into a third straight victory.
Botman · CLAIM · WhiteCastle United — Botman produced 17 points for WhiteCastle United. The acquisition worked; the rest of the lineup did not quite meet it there.
Around the League
THREE STRAIGHT
CRÈME FINDS ANOTHER WAY
A balanced 107.5-point lineup carried Crème Internazionale C.F. past WhiteCastle United and into a three-game winning run.
By Roderick Tolpuddle
Manchester City’s Anfield victory supplied Cherki’s matchup-leading 19 points.· The Guardian
Crème Internazionale C.F. beat WhiteCastle United 107.5–94.75 with seven starters reaching at least nine points. Cherki led with 19, recently claimed O’Shea delivered 17 and Cunha added 13. Even Yeremy’s 16.5 in reserve was a luxury rather than a regret.
WhiteCastle received 36 points from Calafiori and Botman, but its starting forwards produced only seven. Crème now leads a series that had stood 16–16 before kickoff, ending five meetings without a win against WhiteCastle. The roster churn has, for one week at least, produced a recognisable football team.
FIRST WIN DEPARTMENT
𝐖IRTZCOLA ESCAPES BY 0.75
The smallest margin of the week ended 𝐖i𝐫t𝐳C𝐨l𝐚’s five-game wait for a victory.
By Trent Crimm
Doku delivered 28 points from 𝐖i𝐫t𝐳C𝐨l𝐚’s reserve list during a 0.75-point escape.· BBC Sport
𝐖i𝐫t𝐳C𝐨l𝐚 beat Saca Cojones 89.5–88.75, surviving a minus-3.75 from Horníček and the sight of Doku’s 28 points in reserve. Manzambi scored 16, Thiago added 14, Rudoni 11.5 and Justin supplied 10.75 to keep the active lineup barely above water.
Saca Cojones had 18.25 from De Cuyper and 16 from Rogers, but A. Becker’s minus-2.75 proved costly. The losing lineup was otherwise optimal: its best-lineup gap was zero. Sometimes there is no managerial culprit, only arithmetic with poor bedside manner.
NO WASTE, NO MERCY
HOUNDS MAUL THE OLD ORDER
Hound Boys FC 🐶 cut a 13–7 historical series deficit to 13–8 with the week’s largest victory.
By Tristram Hawtrey
Arsenal’s comeback supplied Bruno G.’s 12 points in Hound Boys FC 🐶’s rout.· BBC Sport
Hound Boys FC 🐶 beat Declan Rice FC 116.25–71 behind Dewsbury-Hall’s 28.5 points. Neto scored 14, Anderson added 15.5 and two starting defenders reached double figures. The winners kept zero points in reserve and finished within 0.75 of their best legal lineup.
Declan Rice FC received 20 from Barry and 15 from Evanilson, but two starting defenders scored minus-3.25 apiece. McGinn’s 19 and Wharton’s 14.5 remained unused. The 45.25-point margin was comprehensive enough to make the bench discussion procedural rather than decisive.
SERIES DECIDER
THE LION KING TAKES CONTROL
João Pedro and N. Jackson carried The Lion King beyond Snake and ahead in their all-time series.
By Reginald Radcliffe
Ajer’s real-world contribution produced 12.5 points immediately after The Lion King claimed him.· BBC Sport
The Lion King beat Snake 97.5–80.5 behind 23 from João Pedro, 17.5 from N. Jackson and 14 from Belloumi. Ajer added 12.5 immediately after his waiver claim, giving the lineup enough depth to absorb a zero from Giles.
Snake’s defenders contributed 44.75, led by Vuskovic’s 17 and Mukiele’s 13.5, but its starting forwards managed only 10.5. The clubs entered level at 16–16 across 32 meetings; The Lion King now owns the advantage and a second straight win. Snake has lost four straight, a less desirable form of continuity.
The Muckraker investigates
THE RICE ARRANGEMENT
Giancarlo Perez has beaten Andrew Rice in 11 straight games, a run only one in the archive has exceeded.
The desk suspects a standing understanding between Giancarlo Perez and Andrew Rice. Giancarlo Perez has recorded 11 straight wins over Andrew Rice from 2023-24 GW17 to 2025-26 GW34, when the run last extended, and the desk has opened a file on the convenient durability of the sequence.
Across 748 head-to-head runs in the archive, the average lasts 2 games and the longest lasts 14. Perez has won these fixtures by an average of 31.09 points; even the closest finished 102.25–91.25 against Rice in 2023-24 GW35. The desk regards that margin as the operational footprint of the arrangement.
The run is longer than 99.7% of the 748 on record, and only one run has been longer. At Perez's career rate of 62% wins, 11 in succession from any given start occurs about 0.52% of the time, or about once in 190 times. The opposition averaged 92.37 points in its other games during those seasons and 68.84 against Perez; the desk has considered coincidence and set it aside.
Perez has taken the points in every meeting since, while Rice was in a position to know how reliably they were leaving his side. The parties have not explained why the opposition's output fell from 92.37 points elsewhere to 68.84 against Perez, or why the sequence has survived 11 straight meetings. No improper arrangement has been substantiated.
Giancarlo Perez did not respond to a request for comment that the desk did not send.
The Notebook
7-1 FC still leads the league with 749.75 points scored, 121.75 more than the next total. One defeat has not yet created a constitutional crisis.
Snake is 2–4 despite scoring 600.25 points and conceding 573.75. The schedule has offered sympathy in very limited quantities.
The settled 𝐖i𝐫t𝐳C𝐨l𝐚 score is 89.5, corrected from the originally printed 89.75. The winner remains unchanged; the margin is now 0.75.
The desk picked all five matchup winners incorrectly this week. Accountability has been reviewed and assigned to the next set of predictions.
Gameweek 7 sends 7-1 FC to Crème Internazionale C.F.: the 5–1 leader against a side carrying three straight wins.
Crème Internazionale C.F. claimed and dropped Palestra on the same day, then did the same with Ayari. Evaluation was brisk and apparently conclusive.
Saca Cojones had a best-lineup gap of zero and still lost. Every available improvement had already been made; the remaining defect was the opponent’s extra 0.75.
The League Table
Rank
Team
Rec
W
D
L
Form
GB
PF
PA
1
7-1 FC —
5-0-1
5
0
1
WWWWL
—
749.75
572.25
2
Declan Rice FC —
4-0-2
4
0
2
WLWWL
—
591
504.5
3
Hound Boys FC 🐶 ▲1
4-0-2
4
0
2
WWLWW
—
563.25
522.25
4
Crème Internazionale C.F. ▲1
4-0-2
4
0
2
LLWWW
—
536.75
492
5
The Lion King ▲1
3-0-3
3
0
3
LWLWW
1
628
661
6
WhiteCastle United ▼3
3-0-3
3
0
3
LWWLL
1
626.5
604.75
7
Snake —
2-0-4
2
0
4
WLLLL
2
600.25
573.75
8
Saca Cojones —
2-0-4
2
0
4
WWLLL
2
549.75
552.5
9
Slimey FC —
2-0-4
2
0
4
LLWLW
2
502.75
641.5
10
𝐖i𝐫t𝐳C𝐨l𝐚 —
1-0-5
1
0
5
LLLLW
3
460.75
684.25
The Playoff Race
7-1 FC
2/9(82%)
Declan Rice FC
11/10(48%)
The Lion King
11/10(48%)
WhiteCastle United
11/10(48%)
Hound Boys FC 🐶
5/4(44%)
Crème Internazionale C.F.
13/8(38%)
Snake
15/8(35%)
Saca Cojones
11/4(26%)
Slimey FC
4/1(20%)
𝐖i𝐫t𝐳C𝐨l𝐚
8/1(11%)
Odds from 100,000 simulations of the remaining 30 weeks; each simulation sends exactly four sides to the playoffs, so the board adds to 400%.
History, not part of the odds: sides standing 5-0-1 at this stage went on to make the top four in 4 of 6 cases; sides standing 4-0-2 at this stage went on to make the top four in 11 of 17 cases; sides standing 3-0-3 at this stage went on to make the top four in 4 of 20 cases; sides standing 2-0-4 at this stage went on to make the top four in 6 of 13 cases.
Futures courtesy of the desk bookmaker
The Honours Board
Performance of the Week
Dewsbury-Hall
Dewsbury-Hall scored 28.5 as Hound Boys FC 🐶 posted the week’s highest team total, 116.25.
Escape of the Week
𝐖i𝐫t𝐳C𝐨l𝐚
𝐖i𝐫t𝐳C𝐨l𝐚 won by 0.75 despite leaving Doku’s 28 points in reserve.
Bench Disaster
McGinn
Declan Rice FC left 46.5 points in reserve, led by McGinn’s 19, during a 71-point defeat.
Next Week in Football
Gameweek 7 · first whistle Saturday, October 17 at 7:30 AM ET
Fixture
Home
Away
Hound Boys FC 🐶 v The Lion King
+120
−120
WhiteCastle United v Declan Rice FC
+193
−193
Saca Cojones v Snake
−117
+117
Slimey FC v 𝐖i𝐫t𝐳C𝐨l𝐚
+174
−174
Crème Internazionale C.F. v 7-1 FC
+391
−391
Prices as they stood Saturday, October 17 at 7:10 AM ET. The desk reprices as team news lands.
The desk’s record this season: 13 of 25 calls right (52%).
All prices courtesy of the desk bookmaker · bets void where prohibited, which is everywhere
The Desk’s Record
✗ Gave 7-1 FC 80% — wrong.
✗ Gave WhiteCastle United 61% — wrong.
✗ Gave Saca Cojones 63% — wrong.
✗ Gave Declan Rice FC 75% — wrong.
✗ Gave Snake 50% — wrong.
Called 0 of 5 this week. 13 of 25 on the season (52%). The desk stands by whatever it said.
Points Left in Reserve
1. Declan Rice FC46.50
2. 7-1 FC37.50
3. 𝐖i𝐫t𝐳C𝐨l𝐚32.50
4. WhiteCastle United30.50
5. Crème Internazionale C.F.22.00
6. Snake10.00
7. Slimey FC3.75
8. The Lion King3.25
9. Saca Cojones3.00
10. Hound Boys FC 🐶0.00
Points scored by players their managers chose to watch from the sofa.
On This Matchweek
2018-19.On this matchweek in 2018-19, Crème Internazionale C.F. beat Declan Rice FC 153.25–150.75. Apparently even 150.75 once required an apology.
2023-24.On this matchweek in 2023-24, Hound Boys FC 🐶 beat 𝐖i𝐫t𝐳C𝐨l𝐚 191–144. A 144-point defeat remains an especially ornate form of misfortune.
2025-26.On this matchweek in 2025-26, Declan Rice FC edged Hound Boys FC 🐶 77.25–76.75. One year later, the Hounds answered with considerably less ambiguity.
The Weekly Football Folly
“The coin was made acting editor after withholding its approval from the entire forecast page.”
From the Back Pages
Obituaries
O’SHEA, BRIEFLY OF 𝐖IRTZCOLA
Released October 10 and survived immediately by Crème Internazionale C.F., where he scored 17. The arrangements were completed before the flowers could be ordered.
WELBECK DEPARTS SLIMEY FC
Dropped October 10 after a period of rostered service. Survived by the forwards who remained and by the waiver wire, which keeps no permanent records of grief.
TONALI RELEASED
Slimey FC ended the association on October 10. No ceremony was announced. The midfield continued under new administrative arrangements.
MADDISON, FORMERLY OF CRÈME
Dropped October 10 after roster review. Survived by numerous subsequent transactions and a club evidently determined not to leave any paperwork unfinished.
CHAVARRIA LEAVES THE KINGDOM
Released by The Lion King on October 9 to make room for Ajer. The replacement scored 12.5. In lieu of flowers, please send clean sheets.
The Classifieds
Henderson — HENDERSON — Midfielder, 35.5 last time out. Available without transfer fee, dignity inspection or waiting period. Serious claims preferred; unserious claims expected.
N.Gonzalez — N. GONZALEZ — 22 points, one careful previous gameweek. Midfield assistance for clubs whose current plan has become visibly theoretical.
Cherif — CHERIF — Forward offering 20.5 recent points. Ideal for replacing a starter who produced zero while receiving unwavering managerial confidence.
Verbruggen — VERBRUGGEN — Goalkeeper, 17.25 points. Clean paperwork, immediate availability, fewer complications than starting someone who returns a negative number.
Mfuni — MFUNI — Defender with 16 recent points. Offered as seen. Defensive stability not guaranteed, but neither is anything else in this section.
Ask the Gaffer
“Gaffer, my team lost while the bench scored enough points to hold its own press conference. Is it better to study the mistake, blame variance or release everyone before breakfast?”
— Confused in the Cheap Seats
The Gaffer: Begin by distinguishing the merely unused from the legally usable. Declan Rice FC left 46.5 points in reserve and could have added all 46.5 with a perfect lineup, so reflection is warranted. 7-1 FC left 37.5 in reserve but could have added 32, which is still plenty of material for an unpleasant morning. Do not release everyone. Crème Internazionale C.F. already appears to have reserved that method, and it is currently winning.
The Pub Quiz
This week: Which team left 46.5 points in reserve during Gameweek 6?
This season: Who beat 𝐖i𝐫t𝐳C𝐨l𝐚 135.5–57 in Gameweek 2?
From the archive: Who won Hound Boys FC 🐶 v 𝐖i𝐫t𝐳C𝐨l𝐚, 191–144, on this matchweek in 2023-24?
Declan Rice FC. · Hound Boys FC 🐶. · Hound Boys FC 🐶 won.
Corrections
Lead story. We printed: “Slimey FC overturned the week’s longest odds and beat 7-1 FC 89.5–71.75.” Correct: “Slimey FC overturned long odds and beat 7-1 FC 89.5–71.75.”
Pub quiz. We printed: “Which team beat Hound Boys FC 🐶 191–144 on this matchweek in 2023-24?” Correct: “Who won Hound Boys FC 🐶 v 𝐖i𝐫t𝐳C𝐨l𝐚, 191–144, on this matchweek in 2023-24?”
𝐖i𝐫t𝐳C𝐨l𝐚 escape Saca Cojones. We printed: “Rudoni scored 16, Thiago added 14 and Justin supplied 10.75” Correct: “Manzambi scored 16, Thiago added 14, Rudoni 11.5 and Justin supplied 10.75”
Hound Boys FC rout Declan Rice FC. We printed: “overturned a 13–7 historical series deficit” Correct: “cut a 13–7 historical series deficit to 13–8”
The Muckraker. We printed: “THE 380-MOVE CORRIDOR: the investigation of a standing corridor between Ian Bustillo and Giancarlo Perez, which said 380 or more moves between them would arise fewer than once in 1,000,000 times if traffic followed churn alone.” Correct: “Withdrawn. The case's own figures ranked the pairing 18th of 90 for traffic against expectation, and Ian Bustillo's share of his moves made with Giancarlo Perez (24.3%) was below the league's median for a manager's busiest partner (25.3%). The one-in-a-million figure assumed the number of moves between two managers varies far less than it does in this league. Allowing for how much it does vary, the pairing ranks 7 of 90 and traffic like this arises about once in 13 times (7.78%), short of the top 5% the desk now requires, so the investigation is withdrawn. A replacement investigation now runs in its place.”
The Playoff Race. We printed: “7-1 FC 1/100 (99.6%) to make the top four, and the rest of that board” Correct: “The playoff odds first printed overstated certainty — 7-1 FC at 99% — and have been recomputed; the board now adds to 400% (7-1 FC 2/9, 82%).”
A Gameweek 6 score printed in the previous edition has been amended from 89.75 to 89.5. The desk regrets the provider.
