IYSSYS 6.0 · The weekly sports page of record · Price: one waiver claim
You Don’t Know Ball
Gameweek 3Sunday, 6 September 2026IYSSYS 6.0 — Gameweek 3
TWO-POINT HEIST
HOUNDS BITE SNAKE AT THE WIRE
Isak’s 23.5 points carried Hound Boys FC 🐶 to a 99.25–97.25 upset while Snake’s newest weapon watched from reserve.
Alexander Isak at Ipswich, where he scored twice for Liverpool.Sky Sports
Hound Boys FC 🐶 beat Snake 99.25–97.25 in the week’s closest contest, overturning the strongest pre-match expectation on the board and surviving a lineup that scored well almost everywhere. Alexander Isak supplied the decisive weight with 23.5 points after scoring twice at Ipswich, while Bobb added 12 and Hall 11.75. The Hounds needed nearly all of it.
Snake received 16.5 from Vuskovic, 15 from McAtee, 14 from Semenyo and 11.5 apiece from Raya and Damsgaard. That broad production still fell two points short. The painful detail was George: claimed during the week, he scored 21.5 in reserve. Snake’s authoritative reserve total was 23.5, precisely the sort of number that becomes difficult to look at after losing by two.
Hound Boys FC 🐶 left no points in reserve and improved to 2–1, a clean piece of lineup execution in a matchup offering no room for decorative mistakes. Snake also moved to 2–1 despite reaching 97.25, the second-highest losing score of the week. One side found the exact necessary total; the other found a compelling argument for checking the bench before bedtime.
The Market
▲ Stock Up
Hound Boys FC 🐶. A two-point upset, 99.25 scored and zero points left in reserve. The Hounds handled the smallest margin with the cleanest lineup.
Isak. Isak’s 23.5 points were the largest active return in the week’s closest matchup and supplied the foundation for the Hounds’ upset.
WhiteCastle’s Palacios claim. Claimed on September 5 and immediately started for 16.5 points in a 21.5-point victory. This is the preferred form of paperwork.
▼ Stock Down
Crème’s reserve allocation. Crème Internazionale C.F. left a league-high 31.5 points in reserve and lost by 10. The arithmetic requires no embellishment.
Declan Rice FC’s Mitchell decision. Mitchell scored 25.25 in reserve while Declan Rice FC lost by 24.75. The unused return exceeded the entire margin.
Barcola’s Brigade. A third straight defeat leaves the Brigade at 0–3 with 195.75 points, the league’s lowest total.
The Transaction Wire
Palacios · CLAIM · WhiteCastle United — WhiteCastle United claimed Palacios on September 5 and received 16.5 active points in a 92.25–70.75 win. Immediate returns rarely arrive this politely.
George · CLAIM · Snake — Snake reclaimed George on September 5. He scored 21.5 in reserve while the team lost by two, making the acquisition excellent and its deployment less so.
King · CLAIM · Saca Cojones — Saca Cojones claimed King after The Lion King dropped him. His 18.5 points stayed in reserve, so judgment remains postponed despite an encouraging receipt.
Fatawu · CLAIM · Slimey FC — Slimey FC claimed Fatawu on September 1. He scored 10.5 in reserve during the loss to The Lion King; useful production, not yet useful placement.
Yeremy · CLAIM · Crème Internazionale C.F. — Crème Internazionale C.F. claimed Yeremy after WhiteCastle dropped him. He produced 12.5 in reserve, joining the week’s most expensive waiting room.
Around the League
FIRST BLOOD
GAKPO GIVES THE KINGDOM A WIN
The Lion King’s balanced 98.75-point display finally turned production into a result.
The Lion King defeated Slimey FC 98.75–82.25, breaking into the win column through genuine scoring depth rather than one isolated rescue. Gakpo led with 24, E.Le Fée added 15.5, Janelt scored 15, and Mendy supplied 14 from defence. Five active players reached 14 points, enough to absorb a modest 1.25 from Roefs.
Slimey FC had strong returns from Donnarumma, Mbeumo, Pedro Porro and Szoboszlai, but four active players combined for only 8.75. The result left Slimey without a win through three weeks. The Lion King is only 1–2, but 280.5 points scored suggests the opening record had understated the threat.
RESERVE JUDGMENT
CRÈME LEAVES DINNER IN THE KITCHEN
A league-high 31.5 reserve points turned a manageable contest into a 77–67 defeat.
Ødegaard delivered 18.5 points for Crème, the bright spot in a lineup beaten 77–67.· The Guardian
Crème Internazionale C.F. received 18.5 points from Ødegaard, who scored Arsenal’s winner in a 2–1 comeback against Chelsea, but little else arrived with comparable force. Wissa and Marmoush each scored two, Munoz scored one, and the active side stopped at 67.
Saca Cojones required no masterpiece. Haaland’s 19, Rogers’s 12.5 and Ballard’s 10.75 built enough separation for a 77–67 win. Crème’s league-high 31.5 reserve points included Tzolis at 16.5 and Yeremy at 12.5. The score was close enough for regret and wide enough to prevent creative accounting.
CLAIM DELIVERED
PALACIOS OPENS THE GATE
WhiteCastle’s late addition scored 16.5 as Barcola’s Brigade slipped to 0–3.
WhiteCastle United beat Barcola’s Brigade 92.25–70.75 with Havertz leading the way on 21.5 points. Palacios, claimed on September 5, immediately added 16.5, while Gvardiol supplied 12.5 and Saka 10.5. It was a convincing response after the previous week’s loss to 7-1 FC.
Barcola’s Brigade found useful defensive returns from Rúben and Jacquet, but the attack never established control. Thiago and Tel scored eight and 6.5, while Kluivert finished at minus-0.5. The Brigade has scored 195.75 through three weeks, the league’s lowest total. There are early-season concerns, and then there is a spreadsheet beginning to clear its throat.
PERFECT START
TWO 21.5s KEEP 7-1 UNTOUCHED
Tavernier and Scott powered the league leaders past Declan Rice FC, 102.75–78.
7-1 FC moved to 3–0 with a 102.75–78 victory built around matching 21.5-point performances from Tavernier and Scott. Gomez added 11.5, N.Williams 10.25 and Tarkowski nine. The leaders have now scored 392 points, comfortably the largest three-week total in the league.
Declan Rice FC received 15 from Guéhi, 12.75 from Virgil and 12.5 from Van Hecke, but Pickford’s minus-two and Thiaw’s 0.75 weakened the total. Mitchell scored 25.25 in reserve, contributing to 26.5 unused points. Against an unbeaten opponent, that was less an unfortunate footnote than the central document.
The Notebook
Slimey FC has conceded 368 points through three matchups, the league’s highest total against. The 0–3 record has received considerable outside assistance.
Snake has scored 320.5 and conceded only 238.25, yet sits 2–1 after losing the week’s two-point decision. Timing remains an unregulated substance.
King moved from The Lion King to Saca Cojones during the week and scored 18.5 in reserve for his new club. Custody changed; playing time did not.
Barcola’s Brigade dropped A.Becker on September 1. He then led the listed free agents with 18.5 points, an efficient audition conducted elsewhere.
Three Week 2 scores were corrected: Slimey FC rose from 135.5 to 136.5, Snake from 119.25 to 119.5 and WhiteCastle United from 141.75 to 142.75. None changed a winner.
Gameweek 4 pairs WhiteCastle United with Snake, two 2–1 teams separated by just 0.2 in the current rankings. Administrative tension is already available.
Yeremy was claimed by WhiteCastle, dropped, then claimed twice by Crème across the week. His 12.5 reserve points suggest the market identified something, eventually.
The League Table
Rank
Team
Rec
W
D
L
GB
PF
PA
1
7-1 FC —
3-0-0
3
0
0
—
392
250.25
2
WhiteCastle United ▲2
2-0-1
2
0
1
—
325.25
316.75
3
Snake ▼1
2-0-1
2
0
1
—
320.5
238.25
4
Hound Boys FC 🐶 ▲1
2-0-1
2
0
1
—
306.75
300.75
5
Declan Rice FC ▼2
2-0-1
2
0
1
0
279
233.75
6
Saca Cojones —
2-0-1
2
0
1
0
278
236.25
7
The Lion King ▲1
1-0-2
1
0
2
1
280.5
306.5
8
Crème Internazionale C.F. ▼1
1-0-2
1
0
2
1
222
273.5
9
Slimey FC —
0-0-3
0
0
3
2
255.75
368
10
Barcola’s Brigade —
0-0-3
0
0
3
2
195.75
331.5
The Playoff Race
7-1 FC
—
1/100(99%)
WhiteCastle United
▲
4/11(73%)
Snake
—
4/9(69%)
Hound Boys FC 🐶
▲
4/6(60%)
Declan Rice FC
▼
15/8(35%)
Saca Cojones
▼
9/4(31%)
The Lion King
▲
7/2(22%)
Slimey FC
▼
14/1(7%)
Crème Internazionale C.F.
▼
33/1(3%)
Barcola’s Brigade
—
100/1(1%)
From the archive: sides standing 3-0-0 at this stage went on to make the top four in 10 of 18 cases; sides standing 2-0-1 at this stage went on to make the top four in 13 of 18 cases; sides standing 1-0-2 at this stage went on to make the top four in 7 of 33 cases; sides standing 0-0-3 at this stage went on to make the top four in 2 of 13 cases.
Futures courtesy of the desk bookmaker
The Honours Board
Performance of the Week
Gakpo
Gakpo scored 24 points and led The Lion King to its first victory, 98.75–82.25.
Escape of the Week
Hound Boys FC 🐶
Hound Boys FC 🐶 survived Snake by two points while leaving nothing in reserve.
Bench Disaster
Crème Internazionale C.F.
Crème Internazionale C.F. left a league-high 31.5 points in reserve during a 10-point loss.
Transaction of the Week
Palacios
Palacios was claimed on September 5 and scored 16.5 in WhiteCastle United’s victory.
Next Week in Football
Gameweek 4 · first whistle Saturday, 10:00 AM EDT
Fixture
Home
Away
Hound Boys FC 🐶 v Crème Internazionale C.F.
−134
+134
Slimey FC v Saca Cojones
+119
−119
7-1 FC v The Lion King
−166
+166
WhiteCastle United v Snake
+118
−118
Declan Rice FC v Barcola’s Brigade
−630
+630
Prices as they stood Saturday, September 12 at 9:00 AM ET. The desk reprices as team news lands.
All prices courtesy of the desk bookmaker · bets void where prohibited, which is everywhere
The Desk’s Record
✗ Gave Slimey FC 72% — wrong.
✓ Gave Saca Cojones 75%.
✓ Gave Hound Boys FC 🐶 56%.
✗ Gave Barcola’s Brigade 50% — wrong.
✓ Gave 7-1 FC 51%.
Called 3 of 5. The desk stands by whatever it said.
Points Left in Reserve
1. Crème Internazionale C.F.31.50
2. Declan Rice FC26.50
3. WhiteCastle United25.50
4. Snake23.50
5. Saca Cojones16.50
6. Slimey FC11.25
7. The Lion King9.00
8. 7-1 FC7.25
9. Barcola’s Brigade2.75
10. Hound Boys FC 🐶0.00
Points scored by players their managers chose to watch from the sofa.
On This Matchweek
2018-19.On this matchweek in 2018-19, 7-1 FC beat bux 146–117.75. The name was already concise; the scoring was not.
2023-24.On this matchweek in 2023-24, Dança do Pombo lost 75.5–163 to The Lion King, a result preserved mainly as a warning to archivists.
2025-26.On this matchweek in 2025-26, Hound Boys FC 🐶 beat Slimey FC 83.5–47. One year later, both returned to the fixture with more points and familiar consequences.
The Weekly Football Folly
“Hound Boys beat Snake, 99.25–97.25. I think we can stop pretending the horseshoe is decorative.”
From the Back Pages
Obituaries
James Maddison, briefly of Barcola’s Brigade
Released September 1 after a short association. Survived by Cherki, Kluivert and several other midfielders. No flowers; waiver priority preferred.
Richarlison, late of Declan Rice FC
Dropped September 4. His tenure ended quietly, leaving behind a crowded forward line and no active Gameweek 3 points. Services private.
Solanke, formerly of 7-1 FC
Released September 5 by the league leaders. Survived by McBurnie and Schade, and by a team apparently capable of continuing without ceremony.
Šeško, departed Saca Cojones forward
Dropped September 4. Remembered for occupying a roster place until the paperwork said otherwise. Memorial donations may be made in projected minutes.
Mac Allister, formerly of Slimey FC
Released September 1. Survived by Szoboszlai, Tonali and Iwobi. The midfield continues, as midfields generally do.
The Classifieds
A.Becker — A.BECKER, goalkeeper, 18.5 last week. Recently liberated by Barcola’s Brigade. Clean paperwork, immediate availability, previous owner need not enquire.
Suzuki — SUZUKI, goalkeeper, 18.25 points. One careful recent performance. Suitable for managers who enjoy competence without prior emotional attachment.
Bogle — BOGLE, defender, 17.75 points. Available now. Offers production, positional eligibility and the temporary thrill of discovering him first.
Belloumi — BELLOUMI, midfielder, 16.5 points. New contract, no fantasy landlord. Terms negotiable through the standard claim process.
Araujo — ARAUJO, defender, 15.75 points. Previously handled by multiple league clubs. Sold as seen; transaction history available upon request.
Ask the Gaffer
“Dear Gaffer, I keep selecting sensible starters and then watching enormous scores appear in reserve. Should I trust the players I chose, copy last week’s points, or simply stop opening the app after kickoff?”
— Confused in the Cheap Seats
The Gaffer: Last week’s points are excellent selectors of last week’s lineup. This week, Crème left 31.5 in reserve, Declan Rice FC left 26.5 and Snake left 23.5, so your distress has respectable company. Pick the strongest available roles, confirm who is starting, and accept that Mitchell will occasionally score 25.25 from the furniture. Closing the app is optional; reopening it every four minutes has shown limited tactical benefit.
The Pub Quiz
This week: Which team beat Snake 99.25–97.25 in Gameweek 3?
This season: Who won 146.5–72 when 7-1 FC hosted Hound Boys FC 🐶 in Gameweek 1?
From the archive: Which team beat Declan Rice FC 135–101.5 on this matchweek in 2023-24?
Hound Boys FC 🐶 · 7-1 FC · Hound Boys FC 🐶
Corrections
A Gameweek 2 score printed in the previous edition has been amended from 119.25 to 119.5. The desk regrets the provider.
A Gameweek 2 score printed in the previous edition has been amended from 135.5 to 136.5. The desk regrets the provider.
A Gameweek 2 score printed in the previous edition has been amended from 141.75 to 142.75. The desk regrets the provider.
